Sunday, March 22, 2009


Yuppers folks, thats me.  Not all the time mind you but it fits.  Sometimes.

I have always tried to keep my blog upbeat.  Sometimes I've been sad, or upset, but I'm pretty sure I've never let loose totally.  Afraid that I might hurt someones feelings, offend someone in my family or whatever.  Well, ya know what? right now I don't give a rats ass!

Only some people in my family know this, and one or two friends, but back in '02/'03 alot of crap went down seemingly all at once that threw me into a depression.  Stress + Depression does not a happy person make.  I was not easy to be around.  The stress of a toddler wasn't helping much.  I yelled.  Alot.  After one particularly bad night Chris and I came to the realization that I needed a counselor, help of some sort.  I cried most of that night, and most of the next day.  I went to work and weepingly told my boss I needed help and that I was making an appointment with a counselor for that day and leaving work to go.  She did not have a problem with it, seeing as I was trying to gulp air in between sobs the whole time we talked.

I found a very nice counselor close to my work, that accepted my insurance that could get me in that day.  I spent the next hour crying some more, but she helped me calm down some.  She pointed out that I start worrying about something small, then chew on it, distort it and make it seem so much bigger than it was when the original problem popped up.  Most of it was unchangeable, and therefore there was nothing I could do about it.  I needed to stop worrying about it so much.  About the yelling, well , I grew up with a lot of it.

Some people in my family know about this, and my BFF.  Yes my parents were together my whole life, and I had a relatively happy childhood,  but my dad yelled ALOT.  I DID NOT want to continue this with my own family. However, at that point in my life, it seemed like that was the only volume I had  -  loud and bitchy.  I did not and still don't want Nicole to grow up yelling at her kids.  

I KNOW everyone yells once in a while.  I'm not talking about occasionally getting upset, I'm talking about getting downright snippy at every little thing.  The kiddo and/or hubby didn't do something that you asked or expected and WHAM, off ya go.  Most of the time I hear myself doing this and still can't stop.  If I do calm down somewhat , I still am snippy, which still isn't good.  I feel like my apologies will start to fall on deaf ears after a while, and be meaningless.

What set this off you ask?  You,  faithful friends and followers know that I totalled our ONLY car a week ago Friday.  Friday the 13th to be exact.  This was also our spring break week.  Nicole went to my moms.... me? I stayed home and cleaned.  Fun fun and more freaking fun...
Nicole came home Thursday because she had an appointment with the eye doctor ( she doesn't need glasses! woohoo) but I digress... 
I had started in the living room, then moved on to the kitchen, then to the den.  It was starting to sparkle and I was quite pleased with my efforts.  Then Nicole came home, and it was her suitcase here, her shoes there... books here, generalized  miscellaneaous stuff everywhere else.  Not home 24hrs and although not back to the mess I cleaned up, there was stuff around that SHOULD have been picked up and wasn't.  Friday she helped me a little bit, but not much.  

Saturday was the day we were supposed to tackle her room.  Although positive I wouldn't get eaten by some unknown force living in her dungeon of a room, it was still pretty messed up and was going to need work.  For one reason or another she wound up helping me MAYBE 30-45 mins and that was it.  Then she was off to spend the night with her BFF Carson.  
Today was  Chris' 41st bday - he mowed the back lawn and I got in her room for maybe  another 30 mins.  After cleaning one room or another all week I wanted a little down time so I figured she could work on it a little bit when she came home.

When she did come home I told her - 30 mins of reading her book for school, 30 mins in her room.  One hour.  Sixty minutes.  For the love of all that is good and Holy, you would have thought I took away every remaining free minute she had today minus dinnertime and chained her to slavery.  ( can you imagine the big vein starting to throb in my temple? )

What she actually wound up doing was emptying her bag from her trip to Carsons and putting everything away and reading for maybe 20 mins.  /sigh.  Then I made Spaghetti for dinner.  I used Ragu sauce which is good.  She said it didn't look like the brand I normally used and judged it before ever even trying it.  Then I dished up her plate.  Some of the butter that was on the noodles mixed with the spaghetti sauce.  Right away - " mommy ewwww, look what is coming out of the sauce..."  Again, she had yet to even try it.  Chris explained to her what it was, but watching during dinner, she didn't eat half of what I gave her.  grrrrrrrrr

We sat down as a family and talked a little bit, I explained why I was so downright mad.  Chris pointed out I had a right to get a bit upset but not actually mad.  Ok, maybe he's right.  I just don't want to start being so snippy again that I wind up back where I was 6 years ago.  I can't do that!  I like my job, have a roof over my head, food to eat, a loving husband, and a beautiful daughter.  My mom is still alive and I have a wonderful relationship with her, I get along great with my MIL..  I have a ton of other little things to be thankful for too.

I needed to get that out.  I'm not really sorry if this isn't the normal tone of my blog but I needed an outlet and this is as good as any:))  I'm not a crazy person, just a slightly stressed mom that doesn't want to yell anymore.  
Any books that someone can suggest?  Maybe you've experienced something similar? Any positive suggestions will be welcomed! 

Good night...


Eden said...

I can relate. I love you.

Karen Deborah said...

oh gawd, spoken to one who is doin that today. Everything is pissing me off. i want to throw everybody out.
what i heard in this post, that I relate to most is the part where you said you can hear yourself and still not stop. ditto. I'm going to go take a prozac. i don't have an answer I swear I'm mentally nuts when i get like that and also justified at these freakin idiots that never listen. The PROBLEM is learning how to calmly communicate and just SAY this is it and do it now, period. My husband always says to me, "you use toooooooo many words." He's right and i still don't get it. I start being an old yeller when my frustration is to the max. sometimes it doesn't take much. Your also very right about the cumulative effect, and that makes us seem even more psycho because we are the only ones who know the tally! God says LOVE does not keep a record of wrongs.
i just don't know. If you get this solved please share.
and if Nicole doesn't eat dinner that is her problem but she doesn't get anything else until breakfast the next day. See it isn't so hard but man I'd want to throw the food tonight.

Chris H said...

I used to yell a lot too.. Stew still does... I can only say it doesn't really help. It only makes you feel worse, so owning up to yelling and saying you hate doing it is half the battle to stopping it! You must be a bit like me, a tidy freak.. I get so stressed out when my house is untidy... but then I have to remember that they are only kids and normal at that! That's why I love mondays, I can get my house all tidy again... until they come home from school and work!
Sheesh I'm rambling.. can't recommend any books, if you get too depressed and stressed out the doctor has these amazing little pills that take the stress away! lol
I had to use them for a few years a while ago... no shame in having to get some help sometimes either!

One thing someone said to me that has helped me ENORMOUSLY over the past few years is.... no matter how bad something seems RIGHT NOW... in 6-12 months you will look back on it and be saying "that wasn't that bad"... and believe me it's true!
I don't know if any of that helped! Might have got a bit carried away, off track ?

Laura ~Peach~ said...

yeller here...and when I hear a phrase or word that sounds like my mother i get more angry at myself...I dont yell as much now but when pushed a bit over the edge look out is a wonder you cant hear me... but one of my favorite sayings which is so true...THIS TOO SHALL PASS.
Love n hugs

Christina - Rant Rave Roll said...

Everone has those times/moments dear. Sometimes my children are oblivious that I have feeling until they hurt them. I often find myself frustratedand overwhelmed. It often seems easier to do it myself than have them do it wrong or not at all. I will say Keith get after them big time if someone upsets Mommy... Mommy ain't happy... ain't nobody happy. he has my back on that area.

Keep your head up sweetie! /big hugs/

Mary Ellen said...

I'm not much of a yeller - very very rarely - but I'm not likely to put up with crap, either. I just very calmly refused to do anything for a child who has refused to do something for me. It's amazing how quickly the stuff got taken care of when they realize I'm not driving them anywhere or unlocking the cable box!
As far as food goes, in my house you can eat what I've prepared, or you can have cereal. And no yucky faces allowed. It really does get easier as they get older - but I've heard girls are much harder!
Hang in there. You are proving you're a good mom by caring about how much yelling you do - a lot of people don't even notice!

Lena said...

I'm late here but feel your pain. It is hard to be the mom sometimes! As long as you are aware I don't think you have to worry too much about slipping back to a place you don't want to be anymore. ((hugs))

Michelle said...

Wish you could see me tomorrow... I'm running back and forth between the couch and Little Miss because she's miserable and can't sleep for the third night in a row. Mister Man now can't sleep because his cast itches. And my husband is sleeping so he can take the second shift with Little Miss once I give up... but I'm back on duty as of 6am. I don't function well on little sleep :) We've ALL been there.

Lora said...

I have this book called Growing Up Again from one of the classes we have to take here at work. It's priceless.

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