I have always tried to keep my blog upbeat. Sometimes I've been sad, or upset, but I'm pretty sure I've never let loose totally. Afraid that I might hurt someones feelings, offend someone in my family or whatever. Well, ya know what? right now I don't give a rats ass!
Only some people in my family know this, and one or two friends, but back in '02/'03 alot of crap went down seemingly all at once that threw me into a depression. Stress + Depression does not a happy person make. I was not easy to be around. The stress of a toddler wasn't helping much. I yelled. Alot. After one particularly bad night Chris and I came to the realization that I needed a counselor, help of some sort. I cried most of that night, and most of the next day. I went to work and weepingly told my boss I needed help and that I was making an appointment with a counselor for that day and leaving work to go. She did not have a problem with it, seeing as I was trying to gulp air in between sobs the whole time we talked.
I found a very nice counselor close to my work, that accepted my insurance that could get me in that day. I spent the next hour crying some more, but she helped me calm down some. She pointed out that I start worrying about something small, then chew on it, distort it and make it seem so much bigger than it was when the original problem popped up. Most of it was unchangeable, and therefore there was nothing I could do about it. I needed to stop worrying about it so much. About the yelling, well , I grew up with a lot of it.
Some people in my family know about this, and my BFF. Yes my parents were together my whole life, and I had a relatively happy childhood, but my dad yelled ALOT. I DID NOT want to continue this with my own family. However, at that point in my life, it seemed like that was the only volume I had - loud and bitchy. I did not and still don't want Nicole to grow up yelling at her kids.
I KNOW everyone yells once in a while. I'm not talking about occasionally getting upset, I'm talking about getting downright snippy at every little thing. The kiddo and/or hubby didn't do something that you asked or expected and WHAM, off ya go. Most of the time I hear myself doing this and still can't stop. If I do calm down somewhat , I still am snippy, which still isn't good. I feel like my apologies will start to fall on deaf ears after a while, and be meaningless.
What set this off you ask? You, faithful friends and followers know that I totalled our ONLY car a week ago Friday. Friday the 13th to be exact. This was also our spring break week. Nicole went to my moms.... me? I stayed home and cleaned. Fun fun and more freaking fun...
Nicole came home Thursday because she had an appointment with the eye doctor ( she doesn't need glasses! woohoo) but I digress...
I had started in the living room, then moved on to the kitchen, then to the den. It was starting to sparkle and I was quite pleased with my efforts. Then Nicole came home, and it was her suitcase here, her shoes there... books here, generalized miscellaneaous stuff everywhere else. Not home 24hrs and although not back to the mess I cleaned up, there was stuff around that SHOULD have been picked up and wasn't. Friday she helped me a little bit, but not much.
Saturday was the day we were supposed to tackle her room. Although positive I wouldn't get eaten by some unknown force living in her dungeon of a room, it was still pretty messed up and was going to need work. For one reason or another she wound up helping me MAYBE 30-45 mins and that was it. Then she was off to spend the night with her BFF Carson.
Today was Chris' 41st bday - he mowed the back lawn and I got in her room for maybe another 30 mins. After cleaning one room or another all week I wanted a little down time so I figured she could work on it a little bit when she came home.
When she did come home I told her - 30 mins of reading her book for school, 30 mins in her room. One hour. Sixty minutes. For the love of all that is good and Holy, you would have thought I took away every remaining free minute she had today minus dinnertime and chained her to slavery. ( can you imagine the big vein starting to throb in my temple? )
What she actually wound up doing was emptying her bag from her trip to Carsons and putting everything away and reading for maybe 20 mins. /sigh. Then I made Spaghetti for dinner. I used Ragu sauce which is good. She said it didn't look like the brand I normally used and judged it before ever even trying it. Then I dished up her plate. Some of the butter that was on the noodles mixed with the spaghetti sauce. Right away - " mommy ewwww, look what is coming out of the sauce..." Again, she had yet to even try it. Chris explained to her what it was, but watching during dinner, she didn't eat half of what I gave her. grrrrrrrrr
We sat down as a family and talked a little bit, I explained why I was so downright mad. Chris pointed out I had a right to get a bit upset but not actually mad. Ok, maybe he's right. I just don't want to start being so snippy again that I wind up back where I was 6 years ago. I can't do that! I like my job, have a roof over my head, food to eat, a loving husband, and a beautiful daughter. My mom is still alive and I have a wonderful relationship with her, I get along great with my MIL.. I have a ton of other little things to be thankful for too.
I needed to get that out. I'm not really sorry if this isn't the normal tone of my blog but I needed an outlet and this is as good as any:)) I'm not a crazy person, just a slightly stressed mom that doesn't want to yell anymore.
Any books that someone can suggest? Maybe you've experienced something similar? Any positive suggestions will be welcomed!